**NOTE: Read at your own risk - If you don't understand, appreciate, or are otherwise not keen on satire, please leave now ;) **

Reviewing competing proposals is not uncommon in my day-to-day, especially with existing clients who are shopping for a new build after a number of years. I have to admit, I've been absolutely inspired by the quality of some work that has come across my desk in this regard. So inspired, in fact, I've almost felt a fear in me not to proceed with my counter-proposal.

But, I'm a fighter.  So instead of cowering under my desk as I've threatened to do so many times before, I took this is an opportunity to learn and apply some new techniques to my current work process. 

The following is a combined list of my observations and recommendations on how to write a proposal that's a guaranteed winner:

1. Techy words are scary and sound self-important. Use them frequently, especially out of context.
   - Normal people love to feel lost in a sea of unfamiliar words and impersonal half-thoughts. They also love reading paragraph after paragraph about the inner workings of a build: plug-ins, taxonomies, you name it. Littering your proposals with jargon is guaranteed to flood your business with willing clients.
2. Spend at least 40% of your proposal saying bad things about the current build.
   - Never mind the fact the client came to you with a list of current gripes. Maybe they were already aware that their site was old and doesn't do what they need any more. Don't waste your time getting the prospect excited about a new solution; just keep beating the dead horse. It works every time.
3. Spend another 20% filling pages with lofty buzz words and fluff. 
   - Tell them about how they need a "website 2.0+ redesign" built on "software that will be everything you want it to be" and how you're going to "set up a social network" as part of "providing a very powerful internet marketing experience." - (note: the more you can write like a non-native speaker, the better) 
   - Here's another great one that plays on #1 as well: "your software shouldn't be limited to itself. The user should also be able to pull in multiple API's, creating a whole new user experience and making the site totally user-driven"
4. Misinform as much as you can
   - Clients love to be mislead, especially when they come to you because they trust your expertise. Not sure about a subject or if it even applies to what you're quoting? That's fine!! Just make it up as you go!!  This is especially great as you will begin to discredit other developers in the process - as the prospect swallows down your false rhetoric, everyone else will begin to leave a bad taste. More work for you! Yay!
5. Don't let the client know why any of what you're saying is of value to them.
   - Tying the first 4 points together, it's incredibly important that you produce bullet point after bullet point of semi-related facts and quasi-important observations without telling the client how it affects them.  Don't ever mention helping attract new customers or using content to direct qualified users into the sales funnel. And never, EVER speak to them in terms they understand.  Clients absolutely hate to be told how investing in a website is going to help their brand or their business, especially when you do it clearly and with purpose.
6. Whatever you do, don't encourage the client by speaking as if you are the ones who will provide that value.
   - In case you do slip up and mention how your work is of value to the client, at least make sure not to give them the idea that YOUR work explicitly is the best fit. Use the third person and speak in a passive voice: "your developer would need to" "the website should" -- saying things like "we will do X to give you Y" or "we've had A results with related B, we are excited to C for you" is a terrible idea.  Talking about the project like it's already yours is an even worse one.

To sum it all up: talk out your ass and don't bother thinking about, much less addressing the client's needs. I mean, they came to YOU for work because they can't do it themselves anyway. Who cares if you give them a reason to stick around?

It's not like there's others out there who are going to take the time to make that client understand and feel good about their investment. There's definitely no one out there ready to build a lasting relationship by taking a genuine interest in the prospect's ultimate success.

...

That said, let me leave you with what is one of the greatest compliments I've ever been paid, by what is one the best clients I will ever have:

"If I could meet some of these developers, I'd kick them in the teeth myself! ...

...not you, Casse. You actually know how to talk to PEOPLE."

I'd like interrupt your otherwise productive schedule to ask you one simple question:

What do you get when you combine two overworked code monkeys, a printer, and a bunch of post-it notes?

Why, Name that Pirate! of course!!

This sad little display of just how close I am to losing it combines a number of unlabeled pirate images & corresponding answers on sticky notes - it is a game, after all - We added a pirate every other day for a couple months until we ran out of ideas. Some of my "more clever" favorites include "woman arrested for music pirating," and "not a pirate. just a grouse."  Clever grouse lives just above the shoulder of my great-great-great-grand-something-in-law Jean Lafitte (real pirate. true story. look it up :) ...

Anyway, I'm not just rambling.  There's a point to all this.:

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to relax and just smile. We become consumed with work so often we forget to just. chill. out - Name That Pirate reminds us to slow down and remember to breathe. (Seriously. Pirates of Penzance? How could you *not* smile at that?!!)

How do you keep yourself smiling, even on the worst FML days?

The more efficiently you can work, the better.  An important part of staying efficient is always improving your technique.  One (pretty easy) way to boost your efficiency and code smarts at the same time is to learn to seriously less than three shorthand coding techniques.

Syntax and usage of shorthand varies across languages, but that's all details for another post. No matter your development vernacular: here’s 5 reasons not to be afraid to learn, and make habit, the proper shorthand methods for your particular discipline:

1. It makes you look smart - or, should I say, it shows you pay attention and practice clean coding skills. It looks scary at first, but getting the hang of and applying shorthand appropriately shows you’ve advanced beyond the basics. It also opens you up to improving yourself as a hacker and changer-upper of all things pre-existing: you understand the syntax when you see it someone else's work, and you know how to move ahead with your customizations without doubling back into research mode -or worse- doing whats already done for you simply because you didn't recognize it was already there.
2. It makes your code cleaner – I’m standing next to the anti-code-bloat soap box on this one. Shorthand means less breaking up the line-by-line flow of things – If you're a PHP type, consider one line of ternary operators vs an essay of curly brackets...  Which do you think is nicer to look at, much less follow?
3. It creates less bloat – This goes hand in hand with the clean remark.  The cleaner you code, the less bloated you code.  The less bloated you code, the quicker it loads! (Yes, young grasshopper – all those tiny bytes add up to a BIG difference!) For the design-heads, would you rather a margin declaration on 4 separate lines, or in one short, smart statement?
4. It Saves you Time – No matter how good you are, you can only type so many keystrokes in an hour. So, why not type less and get done faster? How’s that for a novel idea?!
5. Saving time saves you money – Shorthand makes you more productive. That means you get the same work done in less time. A secondary side effect to all this is that, typing less also decreases your chance of mistyping/ coding an error - which also decreases your dev time, which makes you more productive; which makes you make more in less ... you get the point.

So, yes. Shorthand is an awesome idea, and you should start with it today - but whatever you do remember to start out slow.

Rushing into this, as with anything new, will cause more heartache than its worth.  Developing for the front end? Get in the habit of writing margins/padding in one statement instead of four – Work your way up to colors, and borders and grouping selectors …it's not so bad once you get the hang of it

Dynamic code more your thing? Then don’t put yourself in a nesting nightmare up front – get friendly with ternary operators in easy places – like switching the site welcome message whether or not the user is logged in.

I'm working on a deeper post centered on this topic - including examples and references for more learning.

My question for you right now is: are you using shorthand in your day to day coding? If you are, how has it made your life easier? If you aren't, why not?

Listen.

An architect doesn't ASSUME there will be a door on the building; She draws it in the blueprint.

Why?

Two reasons:

NUMBER ONE:  Drawing on the blueprint gives her control of the vision.

Not only does she say "I need a door." But, by drawing it into the spec - she says "I need a door, and I want it here - and I want it to look like this"

And so then maybe the client says, "Nice door, but I was thinking we could change it this way" - and it's ok because she can change that spec before they build.  Or maybe the client says, "Actually, I don't really want a door. I want a secret tunnel from the back yard. You know, like the pyramids...?"

Any way it goes, the point is she took control and lead the discussion.

NUMBER TWO:"Obvious" is subjective.

Builders don't build what isn't on the blueprint, and they don't ASSUME to build it anyway because "it's obvious."

It also makes the architect look like a real winner (READ: idiot!) to the client when she "assumes a door is obvious" and leaves it off the spec.

...
 

So, what the hell do doors and blueprints have to do with web development?

only EVERYTHING

An architect wouldn't assume a door because it's "obvious," so why would you make assumptions in a project scope?

Seriously.

We take for granted the simple things in our little web world.  The things that are obvious to us. User login functions, site maps, Twitter buttons - What. Ever.

...If you think "it's obvious" - you're wrong.

...If you assume "well yeah, of course" - write it down anyway

...If you're not quite sure - ask the question. CONTROL THE DISCUSSION.

The Moral of all this? Never. Assume. Anything.

Using "obvious" as a crutch leads to mistakes, ugly builds, and heartache down the line. Leaving "obvious" out of the spec is one of two things: Careless or stupid.

In the end you either lose control of the vision, or you look like an ass for forgetting. Or both.

I think I would have posted this anyway, but the fact that I finally found the ClassesUSA ad with "the constipated man" sealed the deal on this big giant WTF. I've been looking for that ad since I was inspired by one Christa Watson's WTF Friday post a couple weeks back.

Anyway.

I have no problem with this news agent in particular - I imagine YDR didn't purposefully put all these awesome elements under my nose at once on purpose - It's just the combination of stolen tortoises; "popular" links about drugs and statutory rape; and really, REALLY, bad ads seemed a random collision in the WTF universe I just couldn't pass up.

Like a bad car accident, I can't stop looking at it - and scratching my head in WTF bewilderment.

Happy Friday!

You have two basic choices in life:

1. You can be a "people pleaser", giving everyone everything (they think) they want and hoping you don't get your stories mixed up or called out in process (which is bound to happen)
2. You can be "take-me-as-I-am" honest, rolling with the punches and accepting that not everyone is meant to be your fan (which is also bound to happen)

Either way, you're going to get into the shit from time to time.

Either way, you're going to find out things weren't what you anticipated/hoped/were told they were.

Either way, what's meant to be will be - no matter how hard you try to change it. I don't mean you can't influence your path in life. I mean some things are beyond your control.  The quicker you can accept that truth; the quicker you can really appreciate what you have and push forward.

Me? I'm too lazy to lie.

Keeping track of the stories takes too much. If I'm honest, and that's what I said or did - then, well, I guess that's what I meant. I'm willing to accept the rewards or consequences of my actions, admit my mistakes as they come, and move on with it.

Oh, and by not being a "people pleaser," I'm not advocating selfish disregard for your neighbor.  Humility, grace, and doing for others are all important. I'm just saying don't be someone else's doormat for the sake of feeling like you "belong."

The honest path is harder, but the rewards are awesomer, too.

It's the path to real friendship and success. It's the way learn to face failure & uncertainty head on and GROW FROM IT. And it gets (a little) easier every day you put your heart and soul into it.

The best opportunities. The best Love. The best warm fuzzy happy bunny feeling...

The best everythings in Life come when you push on and stay true.

Google must be testing *another* new layout, because no one I've asked this morning, including my co-worker who sits 10 feet away from me, claims to see it... then I realize if I'm signed in under Account A or signed OUT of Google - I see it.  If I sign in under Account B - it's business as usual. So, yeah, either they're testing something, or I've officially lost it.

I noticed the change right away this morning - looks like a Bing clone sans background image... text is smaller, and now there's that extra "helpful" menu on the left plus a kind reminder of my location in the top right corner (in case I forget). Google.com still looks the same, though.

I don't know if I like it... What do you think? Are you seeing it, too?

I wish they'd stop fixing things that aren't broken.

(download)

Click here to download:

Am_I_the_Only_One_Seeing_the_N.zip (259 KB)

Our VP just walked in, claiming WebKing must have an illegitimate son, and that we just received this ... uhm... work of portfolio genius?

I'm half tempted to contact the kid myself, on the DL. Take him under my wing as a charity case. I don't know. I haven't seen something like this since I co-produced the Burrito-Nightly-Monthly on my AOL homepage 12 years ago. (Hey, we all start somewhere - let it go.)

Sweetheart, 1994 Called. They Want their MSPaint Masterpiece Back. No Questions Asked. Just. Give. It. Back.

... I don't know.  The mean part of me can't stop laughing (I didn't actually believe we *actually* just received this, just now. Like. In 2010) And the mothering part of me can't help feeling really. really. really. Bad.

Really.

And the mean part is winning.

But enough of the rambling.

Here it is. The Best Resume Ever:

(download)

Click here to download:

Best._Resume._Ever._NOW_With_P.zip (932 KB)